Tiffany's World

Why Mary Kay?

2010-09-22T05:21:00.000-07:00

I was never one to really wear make up. I think that in junior high and high school, I liked to wear it because it was the thing to do, but after that I never had time. I was first introduced to Mary Kay at the beginning of my make up wearing days. I remember going to a class one of my cousins put on when I was very young, and then as I got a little older and got involved, I remember my mom, my sister and I going to a Mary Kay Makeover. I remember all the pink, and the cleaners and moisturizers, but most of all, I remember her inventory closet. It was huge, and it was FULL of make up. I faithfully wore my Mary Kay makeup for a few years, and make sure I was cleaning my face, but after running away from home at 17, I found that things like make up weren’t really on my list of priority's. After finding myself pregnant, I found that I needed to finish high school. I had dropped out the year before, 2 weeks before graduation. I technically graduated, but the school did not give me my diploma, they wanted me to finish the 2 classes that I needed for the course I was on.

So I did it, and then I went from working at McDonald’s to working in a call center. I have always loved working with people and helping them. I met my husband working in one of my call center jobs, and he loved me, without make up even. I could live with this. We got married, and after years of infertility we found ourselves pregnant. Just as we started telling everyone, we lost the baby. The job I had just started before finding out I was pregnant was just a temp to hire. After losing the baby, they decided not to keep me. I had missed to much work, and they didn’t feel it was justified. I got another job very quickly after that, and I had explained what happened. My new supervisor was awesome, so when I found myself pregnant again, he advised me not to tell the others. We had a very small company, I was the 7^th employee. So, we didn’t qualify for the Family Medical Leave Act. At my 90^th day, I was informed my services were no longer needed. One reason, I had missed to much work, even though it was scheduled. My supervisors hands were tied and he let me go. That was my last “real job.” I decided at that point I was going to work for myself. At the time of my release I was 4 months pregnant. I had no idea what was in store. When I was 28 weeks (12 weeks before full term) I found myself in the hospital, very sick. The night before they were going to release me, my water broke. I found myself then having to be in the hospital until my baby was born. That was 6 days later. She was only 2 lbs 15 ozs, but she was my miracle baby. And she was a fighter. I knew at that point that I would not be able to go back to work for someone else. Her care needs were going to be too high. 6 weeks after birth, she came home to not only me and her sibling and dad, but to the kids I was babysitting as well! It was certainly a juggling act as I had to keep her safe. Over the next 3 years, I had another baby and I found myself getting to a point where I really needed to get out of the house. Babysitting and being home all the time was becoming more than I could bear. I started another home party business, which was great fun, but due to the nature of the product, a lot of people were embarrassed to throw parties, or people would book them and nobody would come so they would cancel.

About the time that I was getting frustrated with my home party business, I got a message on Facebook from a friend I used to play high school with. She had just started a Mary Kay Business and wanted to know if I wanted a free facial! So, we set up a party. I was actually pretty excited, because I did want to buy Mary Kay makeup, if I was going to ever wear makeup. And I knew that I needed to get into skincare again, I just didn’t know how. I felt like I didn’t know anything about cleaning my face (and I really didn’t, trust me). Melissa came over and we gave her a run for her money. Kids everywhere, no tables, not even tv trays. But, we had a blast and while I know things weren’t done perfectly, we didn’t care. We had a blast, we saw the product and we had beautiful faces when we were done. Shortly after, Melissa came to me asking if I’d be interested in doing a Q&A session with her director. I was going to say no, but instead I told her sure, and I was very upfront in letting her know I didn’t have any money for a new business, but that I’m more than happy to help her out and get the experience of doing the interview.

So, we went to coffee and I was really impressed with her director. Lucinda wasn’t pushy, and she listened to me and even took notes when I was talking about my life. When I told her why I don’t like to sell, she told me why that would make me a great Mary Kay Independent Beauty Consultant. I walked away from the meeting wondering if it was something I should do. I called my mom. At that point, I think the only thing that was stopping me was money, and fear. I had already started a home business that wasn’t working. What was I thinking. I had been given a CD to listen to, and I promised I would. But, I found that I wasn’t listening to it. Well, Melissa, the persistent friend that she is, invited me to a Career Breakfast Brunch. I didn’t have to bring anything other than my face. I was going to hear a guest speaker, National Sales Director Cindy Towne. I had no idea what a National Sales Director was, but it sure sounded like someone I wanted to meet. I talked to my mom because I knew I was getting my tax return soon, and there was a possibility that if I signed up that day, I would win 50% off my sign up fee. So, my mom had already told me that if I decided to do it, the money was in my account. The night before the brunch I was a mess. I kept thinking to myself, why are you even going to do this. First off, you aren’t getting any sleep and second, you already know you can’t do this. You have to much going on with the kids, and with Chloe’s autism, and all her therapy. You’re just going to fail at this like you did the other party business. What makes you think this will be any different. Well, I tried to push all that aside and I promised myself if I was asleep by a certain time, I would go. So, I did. I got up, I put my jeans on. I didn’t really care to look presentable, I wasn’t trying to impress anyone. I really was just going to support Melissa, and maybe sign up, IF I thought that it wasn’t really all just a scam. I knew I liked the products, that’s not what I was worried about. Well, I get in the car and remember that I have this CD that Melissa and Lucinda gave me to listen to. It was called Platinum Choices, and it was by Linda Tupin, who is also a National Sales director. Her voice was really nice to listen to, and she said something that really stood out to me. She said that a turning point is when you have a day in which you think a different thought, you then take action on that though, and because of that action, you change your life forever. As I was driving and listening to this cd, I started bawling. That was exactly what I needed to hear. I knew that I needed a turning point. I had been going downhill for so long at that point, I knew I needed to turn myself around and do something different, think different! I will sign up, I said to myself as I drove. The doubt was still there though. Then I get to this brunch, there were so many women, and only seats in the front were open. Oh great, I thought to myself as I went up to the front row. But, to be honest I was happy I was going to be so close, have a table in front of me. As Cindy Towne was speaking, it became even more clear to me what I needed to do. I needed to sign that agreement. She said something along the lines of, when God wants you to do something, Satan will do whatever he can to make it so you don’t do it. He’ll tell you that you can’t and try to make it harder. At that point I realized that all the questioning of myself and all the doubt and rejection, that was all from Satan. Mary Kay was something I was supposed to do.

When I tell people why I started Mary Kay, I am honest. It was to get me out of my house and sane again! I love my children dearly, but sometimes I just need a break. Melissa is also a reason I joined Mary Kay. She was, and is, my friend. Friends are something I have been lacking lately. I joined Mary Kay to also make friendships. What keeps me in Mary Kay is the amazing products, the friendship, and the flexibility to make my own hours and not be told that I’m not doing my job right because I need to take a child to the dr. I also love not having to schedule time off to take care of myself, or even to go have a fun day when the weather is nice. I love being able to help women feel beautiful, and to be able to do it at times that work for them. But, the main reason I stay with Mary Kay is because of what it has done to me, inside and out. I know I am not done transforming, so I will stay with Mary Kay so I can bloom to my full potential. I believe that I will be able to make it far in the Mary Kay business, as long as I put my mind to it. And, while I am not yet at the point where I don’t want to be seen without my makeup on in the morning, I am getting much more comfortable with wearing makeup, and trying new techniques. I am also finding that instead of changing how I look, I am able to enhance the beauty that is already there, which is what I want to share with everyone.

If this sounds like something you would like to do, let’s chat.

2009, a Year to Remember or a Year to Forget?

2010-01-01T05:17:00.000-08:00

Maxz is bringing in 2010 here!

It doesn’t seem to long ago when I was sitting on my couch, barely able to keep my eyes open, while we were watching the ball drop with Sammi and two sleeping babies. Sam and I were so happy when the clock hit midnight; it gave us an excuse to go to bed! The year started out pretty good. We were still recovering from the “2008 Snow Storm”, Chloe turned 2 and then Sammi turned 10! Sam was working at Planar still, and he hit his 3 year anniversary in February. We were worried about his “job security” but for the meantime he appeared to be safe, but he was still looking for a second job. I was babysitting the neighbor’s daughter, and he decided to get daycare assistance, which increased our cash each month. We were really enjoying our apartment, the people upstairs were kinda annoying (they wore boots and played guitar 24 hours a day…. I swear…. LOL) but their noise was contained mainly to the living room. Then, they moved out and the lovely neighbors we have now moved in. Chloe had been in Speech Therapy, but then 12 sessions into the 24 session program they tell us that because she had not lost the ability to speak that she did not qualify for services. She needed to have something like a stroke or an accident that took away her ability to speak. A barely 2 year old not talking wasn’t a medical issue to them. At that point, the Dr. did not want to issue a diagnosis of Autism, just due to how young she was. The Autism diagnosis possibly would have gotten her the speech therapy.

Chloe on her 2nd b-day

Sammi on her 10th B-day

At this point, we had a major falling out with a lot of people in our lives. At first, it was really hard, but then Sam and I got closer. We realized that we really weren’t happy with the way a lot of things were going in our life, and we decided to change it. We worked on our relationship, and got much closer this last year than we ever have been before. We also have been fighting a lot less than in the past, part of that I think is due to us living with another person. I have come to realize that in my life, I have only a few people I can really count on. The rest of them, well, I love them, I care about them, I pray for them and talk to them occasionally. But trust, well, trust is earned. Speaking of Trust, due to the trust my husband has in me, when I had an internet stalker back in 2008, Sam trusted me, knowing that I did not have a phone affair with the guy, as he was stating. Working together we were able to piece together what happened. Luckily we have already removed the people from our lives that hurt us with this false affair. It’s amazing what you can do with Skype, and making it look like a call is coming from a number, when it really isn’t. And it’s amazing what people will do when you trust them. In my case, I trusted a friend and I backed up my hard drive onto his computer, because I didn’t have anywhere with enough space. I put the files back on my pc and before I could delete them off his computer, he made it so I could no longer connect. I told him to go ahead and delete the files on his end. I trusted him. He betrayed the trust that Sam and I both had in him, and it did test our relationship, but it was because I was so stressed out about it, and the guy wouldn’t leave me alone, even after Sam talked to him. But, Sam knew all along that I hadn’t done it. My phone bill proved that I had never had contact with the guy before, and the picture he sent me, that I supposedly sent him, was one that was very old, and the only picture that I had transferred over to my friends computer that had not yet been deleted (go figure right….).The best part is, I was supposedly having this phone affair the same week I was in the hospital delivering Maxz, and visiting her in the NICU, as well as when I was just home from the hospital. He claims I was talking to him without any kids in the background……. Hmmmm, ok. I had to change my cell phone number, but that fixed things, and I was able to get the charge waived by a very nice and understanding sales representative. Considering we have moved since the last time we talked to our “friend” we don’t have to worry about that anymore either.

Then In May, Sam lost his job. It was a huge blow. We also received a medical diagnosis of Autism for Chloe in May. Thankfully we were able to get COBRA for myself and the kids at a manageable price.

She only eats the middles, and she puts the crackers face down when she's done.

With Chloe’s autism diagnosis I was able to apply for Disability services for her. That qualifies us for $500 in assistance. We can use that for her therapy needs, or even to use for respite care. Anyone with an autistic child knows how hard it is to find care, and it can cost a lot more depending on the needs of the child. Luckily we have a few people in our lives that work really well with Chloe, and they don’t mind watching her for us. Her autism diagnosis also allowed us to have a teacher from the Autism Comprehension Education class (ACE) come to our home weekly, until she was old enough to start school. They let her start school a little early, so she started in the middle of December, and she’s waiting eagerly to go back to school on January 11th. Right now, she’s the only girl in her class, there is another girl in the class on the other days, but it’s amazing how much Autism affects boys vs girls. She’s progressing amazingly, but we were given her “numbers” during her educational assessment. It is nice to know where she falls on the charts, according to other kids on the autism spectrum. It also shows Sam and I that we are doing the right thing by getting her into therapy and getting everything started early. By doing so, we are helping to ensure the best future for her. They tell us that as she gets older, and when she learns to communicate past the 10-12 month level she’s at now, that her score will go down, and we will see her become more and more independent. At this time her biggest delay is communication, but they believe that it’s due to her motor skills. It takes a lot to make your mouth move right. She’s so smart, she picks up on what is expected of her quickly, she’s learning Picture Exchange, she puts together puzzles and she can sort shapes like a pro. She loves to stack and line up her blocks and don’t you dare mess up her line or try to slip in a bigger block than what the stack consists of. If something goes wrong she messes it up and starts all over again. Thanks to Maxz, this is a process we see quite often.

In April I started attending the Hannan More than Words Program offered through the North Clackamas School District. The class went over a lot of techniques that I had already learned in Speech and Occupational therapy, but it also introduced new ways to communicate, and it really drove in the ones I had already been taught. After Sam lost his job, he was able to join me for the classes as well.

Then in the late spring/early summer, we got hit with black mold really bad. It was in the bathrooms, Sammi’s bedroom and our roommate’s bedroom. It stayed away until just recently. I saw some in both bathrooms again and Sammi’s room. The problem with our apartment is that the outside walls are almost all partially underground; we are on the very bottom. So, it’s like the moisture is coming through the wall. With my allergy to mold, it’s making me sick. Not to mention it’s toxic anyway…. *sigh*

The summer was very, hmmmm, interesting. Our neighbors do not appear to watch their children. Kids were in the pool unsupervised, riding their bikes into the pool, jumping off the sauna into the pool, and groups of kids were going into the sauna and locking themselves in. Along with that, the gate to the pool was broken, so even when it’s locked, the kids know how to get in. Towards the end of July, I was informed that the guy I babysat for had lost his job. He wasn’t sure what he was going to do. His daycare assistance dropped drastically at that point. Then, in September he had to move, I was given no notice, and he left me high and dry, still owing me $75 that I’ll never see. Not to mention everything I had to replace because his daughter has no respect for other peoples things. She was pretty proud that she had broken my toys!

In September I turned 29. I had also been experiencing extreme bipolar mood swings during this time, most likely due to the stress of losing my income, and just dealing with the everyday life of having an autistic child, a 10 year old and a 1 year old. After a much failed attempt to get hit by a train, my mom and sister came and rescued me, talked me down and got me home. Every time I hear the train whistle now, I am reminded of what I was going to do; it makes me sick to my stomach to think about. At a point in my life when I was at my lowest, my mom, sisters and husband all worked together to throw me a birthday party. Possibly the best birthday so far in my life, other than the one I had in the first grade when I got my little pony FM radio (it even had headphones), and all the girls in class came to my party. It was SO awesome, let me tell you. This year, my sister baked me a beautiful cake and my family came up from Salem. Friends came, and I felt truly loved. Looking around the room, I knew who my support system was. The people that I could trust to be there for me, they were there at my house. I knew there were others that wanted to be there, but they were unable to. Just knowing there were so many people that love me made me realize how many people would miss me. I try to think about it whenever I get depressed. I look at my pictures and see my friends and family.

Then, my sister got Swine flu…. Followed by her kids….
We started speech therapy back up with Chloe in October, and that will be over again pretty soon. But it’s nice to see her grow and change with the therapy sessions.

November well, the first half of November...well, let me tell you about it..... Sammi comes home not feeling so great. She falls asleep and basically slept for the next 2 days. Uh oh, she had all the symptoms of swine flu. My roommate gets sick; I take her to the hospital and drop her off while I go to Walgreens to get medicine for Chloe and Maxz, who both appear to have a fever. My roommate messages me, her temp is 105. I remember that my thermometer at home appears to be broken, either that or we are all only 83 degrees, I grab a thermometer, pay for my stuff and head back to the hospital to grab the roommate. She also has swine flu, head back to the pharmacy to get her the meds she needs. It was in her lungs… she wasn’t feeling so great. I get home and both the little kids have high fevers. Chloe’s 103, Maxz is 104. The Dr.’s office says not to take them in until they hit 105 or have problems breathing. YIKES. With meds, their temps go down to a mere 102 degrees. Wow, this is fun. Next day at the Dr. we aren’t given any meds. They aren’t sick enough. Thank God I have very healthy kids, but I wanted them to get better, and the meds could only be given in a certain time frame. All I could do now is pray that they didn’t get any worse. They didn’t, but I did. And Sam did….. Sammi was the only one at this point feeling better. After what felt like an eternity, we were feeling better. At this point I was down another 10 pounds (swine flu diet?).

This last year I have learned a lot about me, and a lot about the people that I was associating myself with. I learned that there are times when I am really uncomfortable, or I do not appreciate how I am being treated, or how my kids are treated, and I realized that I need to stay away from those situations. I have been working hard in school, and I have maintained a 3.75 GPA (Stupid A- lowers your GPA!) and I love the comments that my teachers give me on my assignments. I am learning so much, and it is exciting to be entering into a new field. I’m looking to get my toes wet and to get an accounting positions somewhere soon, just so I can get a feel for how it works in the real world, and so I can get the experience I need to get my CPA license.

I have also realized that my body isn’t handling my diabetes as well as it used to. My blood sugars seem to be getting harder to control. With nerve pain through-out my entire lower body and arms, UTI and kidney infections, and my diabetic gastro paresis, I just want to sit down and cry. Going to the Dr. on Dec 31, 2009 I was proud to find out that I am down to 196 pounds, which is the lowest I have been since around the year 2000. Back in 2004 I weighed at least 280 pounds, I know I was probably higher at one point. I started working on my feet, as opposed to a desk job and I started melting away. I had lost 50 pounds very quickly, like over 3 months, but the other 40 pounds have been much slower to come off. But, considering I have had 3 pregnancies during that time (2 ending in births) I think I’m doing pretty well. The weight loss helps with the controlling of the blood sugars. But, I have to admit, if my stomach actually worked and digested everything I eat, I may not have lost the weight! I’m looking at enrolling Sammi and me into a class that teaches young teens how to eat and teaches them what they should be eating. I think it would really help her, and it would help me in the process as well. My Dr. gave me medication today to take with the medication I’m already taking. So, now I have my Reglan for my stomach (which makes me shaky and gives me a horrible headache, not to mention if I take it like I’m supposed to, it sends me into a deep depression….) then I’m on the Neurontin for the nerve pain. He also gave me Cymbalta to try, which will help with the depression from the Reglan and my bipolar, as well as help with the nerve pain.

My family enters 2010 with high expectations of the year to come. We are looking at buying a home, we are looking forward to Chloe turning 3 soon, Sammi turning 11 and Maxz will be 2 this summer. We are praying that Sam is able to find a job with medical benefits, and we are thanking God that the COBRA benefits got extended 6 months at the discounted rate. This means that we will not lose insurance in March as we were thinking (private insurance is ridiculous and I can’t find anyone that will cover me anyway…..) We are thankful that Chloe has such an awesome teacher in the ACE program and we are looking forward to seeing her grow. We are constantly astounded by Maxz and her ability to pick up language (both verbal and sign) and her ability to communicate her needs to us. Watching Sammi grow up into a pre-teen is so scary. I have so many things to tell her, to teach her, and to protect her from. How can anyone do it!

I am looking back on 2009, and it was a hard year. It was a hard year for a lot of people. I can only be thankful for what I have. I am lacking nothing, other than money and material items that I don’t really need. I have food, a place to live. My kids are healthy, safe, happy and well taken care of. I have an awesome support system and a great relationship with my family. My kids are loved, and it shows. I will be keeping the past in my mind, learning from my mistakes and moving forward. I will be more careful with my trust from now on, making people actually work for it, and I will continue to pray all the time for wisdom, strength and health. I definitely cannot forget 2009, but there are things I wish that I could wipe away. All I can do at this point is focus on getting my diabetes back in control so I can be around for the years to come. I’m going to try not to stress about things that were said or done in the past, but I am not going to just forget what happened. I am not going to just sweep things under a rug and go back to the uncomfortable place I was in before. I have experienced life now without living that way. I enjoy being happy and spending time with people that actually want to talk to me and spend time with me. Never again will I go somewhere just so I don’t hurt someone’s feelings. (In other words, if you aren’t a true friend to me, you probably won’t be seeing me much….)

I guess you could say that these are my resolutions. I normally don’t make them, but let’s go for it today…..

• I will test my blood sugars between 3 and 6 times a day, as instructed.

• I will take my depression medication, even if I don’t think I need it.

• I will continue to watch what I eat and strive to make good eating choices.

• I will continue to be the best mom I can and make sure I am getting all the services I can to help Chloe, while continuing to meet the needs of my 2 other children.

• I will not be fake friends with someone. If they don’t like me, they don’t like me. No reason to pretend.

• I will not let what people say about Chloe get me down. I know what she’s capable of and that I didn’t do this to her and that’s all that matters to me. I will protect her from this kind of “hate speech” as well.

• I will continue to work hard at school, making sure all my work is on time (as I already do). I will try to get work done earlier in the day so I am not stressing when the deadline for the day is fast approaching.

• I will take more time out for me.

• I will go on a date with my husband at least once a month.

• I WILL take an anniversary trip in 2010.

• I will start exercising at least 3 times a week, to help with my weight loss and nerve pain.

• I will lose another 10 pounds this year (minimum).

• I will continue to build a strong relationship with my husband.

• I will continue to pray and believe that God is there listening to me.

• I will continue to believe in my miracles.

• I will not let what others say about me get me down. I will look past that and look at the good things that my friends and family have said to me. I will not let what they say hurt me, and I will not put myself in the situation to get hurt. I will continue to listen to my husband and talk to him about things that are bothering me, to see if I am overreacting or if I am justified in being hurt. I will also stop communication with people if he asks me to, especially if they are upsetting me, as that hurts our relationship as a couple.

• I will not think suicidal thoughts, and I will reach out for help when I know that I am getting to that place. I will remember my friends and family and how hurt they would be if I was not here anymore. I will continue to take my meds and do what I can to try to live a healthier life, that includes less pain.

The last year has really changed my life. I believe that there are things that happened that needed to happen that brought Sam and I closer together. I believe that this New Year will have its own challenges, and I plan to face them head on.

Positive Affirmations

2009-10-02T16:22:00.000-07:00

So, recently I was at a training for my new business, and a friend of mine had to get up and talk to us about something. I wasn't really sure what she was going to talk about, we only chatted about it for a minute on the car ride up. As soon as she started talking, I knew why I had felt that I needed to go to the training. I thought that I was going to learn about how to run my business, and to learn more about the product, but then, I realized that there was more than just that reason. I was supposed to go and hear this. It meant that I was not the only one that had a problem being down on myself. I wasn't the only one that could be on top of the world one minute, and then flat on my face the next. I wasn't the only one that needed a reminder to be nice to myself. So, my friend, she asked us to write down on cards the positive affirmations that we need to remember, and that we want to be. It doesn't have to be "actual" but it does have to be something we believe in. Something we can become. So, I start my journey with my positive affirmations. I am taking things that I already believe about myself (when I'm not depressed) and I am adding to them.

I am an awesome wife. I am compassionate to my husbands needs and desires.

I am a wonderful mom. I give my all to my kids, providing them a safe and happy environment to live and thrive in.

I am healthy, emotionally and physically. I am taking care of my body, and I continue to lose weight in a healthy way, and I continue to keep the weight off. I am proud to have no further complications due to my diabetes, other than my existing stomach condition, and I look forward to many healthy years to come.

I am compassionate about what I believe in and love to share what I know with others. I make sure that I am sharing correct information and that I can back up what I tell others to be true.

I think before making decisions, looking at the facts and possible outcomes. I learn from the mistakes I make, and from the mistakes of those around me. I ask for advice before I make a decision and take what others say strongly into consideration.

In school I give it my all, providing an example to my team/classmates and my own children as well. I always do my best and I never give up. I'm not afraid to ask questions if I need help, and I turn my work in, complete and on time.

I am a strong advocate for autism awareness and education, and I work closely with my daughters therapists and doctors to give her the best therapy possible. I will never accept that she just cannot do something because she is autistic and I will continue to work with her to make sure she reaches her fullest potential.

I provide my part of my families needs, financially, physically and emotionally. I provide my children with their needs, as well as some of their wants, and I am teaching them not to rely on materialistic items to make them happy.

I am a good friend. I am here for my friends, and I love them as family. I offer advice to my friends only when asked for it and I am always here to listen if they need me.

I am meeting new people and helping women have happier, healthier sex lives. I am helping to strengthen their relationships as well as help them communicate more effectively with their partners.

I am a strong woman. I know who my friends and loved ones are, and how to make myself and those around me happy. I am confident in my ability to care for my family, and our needs, as well as the ability to have a very successful business.

Up, Down, All Around......

2009-09-21T03:01:00.000-07:00

Those of you that know me well, and some of you that don't know me all that well, know that I am bipolar. This last week has been very hard for me, and to be honest, there were multiple times where I almost went to far. Thankfully I have family and friends that somehow always manage to stop me. It really is amazing what runs through my head though when I am feeling that way. Unfortunately, it brought back a lot of things that my in-laws said to me last year. I feel so sad when it comes to the family I have through my husband. I really miss the kids, and the fun times that we had. But then there are things that they have said to me that have hurt me so bad, like my brother in law telling me that the only thing I'm good for in this life was giving his brother 3 daughters. Or, my sister in law and one of the cousins telling me I'm a horrible mom, and that Chloe's autism and speech delays are due to my laziness and bad parenting. That all I do is use my computer all day and ignore my kids. *Sigh* (When in reality I do my homework and check up on facebook and myspace during the day. I don't play games or anything really, and my hands are way to full to be lazy!)

Well, that was all a long time ago now (back around Easter) but when I'm feeling really down those things like to pop out and make me feel bad again. I will admit, when I am depressed I don't feel like I'm a good mom. To be honest, when I'm really depressed like I have been I don't want to be around anyone and I have a hard time dealing with people in general. But, other than that, when I'm doing OK, I feel very good about myself. I have 3 beautiful daughters, I'm pulling a 3.8 GPA in college and I just started my own home business.

This last year has been very tough with Sam losing his job in May. But, at the same time it has been a mixed blessing. I have been able to have some time to sleep without worrying about the kids for a bit, Maxz has really bonded with her Daddy, and Sam is here to work with me and Chloe. We went in for a re-evaluation for Chloe for speech and, I have to admit, the news was hard to handle, but Chloe is doing so much more now than she was a year ago. What it boils down to is that Chloe has an average communication age of 10 months. A year ago, this was only 8 months. Chloe's diagnosis of Autism in May has helped us receive more therapy for her, and hopefully she will get to start a class once she turns 3. When I was home alone with the kids it was very hard to give both Chloe and Maxz the attention they both needed. Chloe started showing jealousy about the time Maxz turned 9 months old or so, and now that Maxz is walking she wants to do everything Chloe is doing. Sammi does great with both of the little ones, but she often feels like she doesn't get enough time with me. I have been doing my best to take her with me to the store or on outings, and not taking the little ones with me. Sammi started 5th grade and so far she seems to really be enjoying it. Everyone tells me what a great mom I am all the time, and how good I am with Chloe. I try so hard to make sure my kids needs are met, teach them right from wrong, and keep them happy. It's so hard to juggle everything with all of them! Between Sammi and her school work and Chloe and her therapy, and then Maxz just being a toddler, I feel like it's just a never ending cycle. But, I know that all of what I do is helping the kids be the best they can be. And, I know that one day we will be able to communicate with Chloe. I'm just glad that I was able to admit that there was something wrong and I wasn't afraid to ask for help.

Anyway, back to what I had started with. I have been having problems with rapid cycling lately. There are days when I am doing awesome, then all of the sudden I'm in tears. The medications I used to take do not help me at this point, instead they seem to make things worse. Instead of me going up and down, I tend to go up, up, up and then crash down even harder than when I am not medicated. I know I need to go to a Dr and see what they can put me on, they have new meds that work better with the manic and depression part together. But, there's only so much money to go around, and I'm having a hard enough time keeping my insurance paid for. It's really to bad, here I have insurance but I can't afford to use it. But, keeping insurance is important for both Chloe and myself, without it we may not be able to use whatever insurance we get onto when Sam gets another job. Stupid pre-existing conditions.

In the meantime, I'm trying to take each day for what it is, trying not to stress about the bills and how I'm going to pay them. I'm trying to not pull all my hair out when all the kids are yelling for me and I'm at the end of my rope. I'm really hoping that my new job will get me out of the house enough that I don't feel like I'm trapped here. I think that a lot of the problem is that I will literally be home for weeks at a time, only walking out to check the mail or go to the laundry room. Having my business needs to look forward to has helped as well. I have been feeling really good as I get together my business cards and ordering product, designing cakes and cup cakes, cookies, jell-o and ice (even talked Sam into making a pizza for one of my parties.) I'm happy to have an excuse for Sam and I to go out to places where I know that I will be able to talk to people I have never met before and introduce myself and tell them about my business. And, I'm really looking forward to my first solo party on Friday. Once I complete the party I will be able to order my business builder package and then the fun will really start!

I went to my diabetic Dr this last week, nothing new to really report on, other than the fact that it is confirmed that I am now only 209 pounds. I cannot believe that I used to weigh as much as I did. I know for sure that I was 280 at one point, and I believe I was even higher than that. Going through my clothes has been interesting as well. Yes, I have a lot of clothes, but they are almost all way to big for me. I have found it amazing to fit into the "Normal" sized clothes again, being able to just get an XL. There are some area's of my body that still don't fit (thanks to the fact I'm still breastfeeding) but hey, I'm not complaining. I was able to buy myself a few new shirts that I found on clearance, and I'll be using them for business, so it all works. I had to make sure I look good when I go out to sell my products! I don't think I will get to the point of wearing make up on a regular basis though. LOL

Well, I guess that's it for now. I just wanted people to know that I have been having some rough spots.... really rough spots, and that I almost wasn't here anymore. God must want me around for something still, because he sure makes it impossible for me to end my life. Every time I try, it just fails. Maybe he's hoping that one day I will stop trying. In the meanwhile, I am praying that I find a medication that will work for me that I can start taking that will help me see things from a glass half full side more often. Sunday was a good day for me, let's hope Monday follows suit. Last day of my accounting class and then I'm off to corporate finance.

What a bad day today.....sigh

2009-05-29T21:20:00.000-07:00

So, today has been horrible. In a nutshell. I am SO tired of dealing with idiots and people that don't follow rules! Well, part of it goes back to yesterday. There's these kids in the pool when my roommate/Best Friend and Sammi go out to the pool. There are not adults out there. They are all under the legal age of 14 (Which is the posted age, as well as law in Oregon to be in a pool without an adult.) Sammi was trying to have fun, but, due to serious horseplay in the pool, Sammi got pushed underwater, and then while underwater she was kicked in the face. At that point Jenny told her to get out of the pool and they came in. I informed maintanence. He told me to call the cops if they wouldn't get out. So I went out and asked who was in the pool under 14, and if there was anyone responsible over 18. I made everyone leave that was under the age of 14.
So, lets fast forward to this evening. It's hot out. Really hot. Like, 90. LOL. For Oregon that's hot. I want to go in the pool, but I still have the girl I babysit. There's a TON of kids in the pool. But, there's adults out there, so, whatever. I figure I'll go out after she gets picked up. Well she gets picked up and we're in the middle of getting dinner made, so I tell Sammi we'll go out and swim afterwards. So, she heads out to play with anyone not currently in the pool and can't find anyone. But, the girl that lives upstairs got home and had to call the tow truck company because someone was in her spot. Sammi asked if she could go out and watch, so I was like, sure, why not. Well, so, she's out there watching and all the sudden she comes in hyperventaling saying someone almost just hit her trying to get away from the tow truck. So, I go outside to find out what happend and the tow truck driver is on the phone to get the cops down there. I guess the guys were in the pool, with some of the residents from the complex. They get out of the pool and see that their car is getting towed, so they run and the one guy jumps into the car and guns it. He goes up and over the curb TOWARDS the complex. He then hits a hard right and swings around and at this point, almost hits Sammi who is standing by a tree to avoid the action. He then peels out of the complex. Well, the cops show up a bit later and the tags are from a different car, that's registered to someone in Bend. Not only that but the people in the complex won't give up their friends names because its' "not their problem" but the cops did tell them that if their guests come back that it will be their problem. So, if they come back we are supposed to call again so they can come out and at least get the car or find out if it's stolen or whatever.

Now, WHILE we are waiting for the cops to show up I'm standing outside, somewhat close to the pool area and the kids in the pool are literally dragging each other over the ledge of the pool, including pulling chairs up and over into the pool. The "responsible adults" in the pool area are not saying anything. Things are really out of hand. All the sudden the kids see me, and they realize that I'm on my phone. So, they start getting out of the pool. Funny thing is I wasn't even calling anyone about them. LOL. So, anyway.... they come back later so I asked them what adult was responsible for them and I went in there to talk to them. I was like, look. I really want to be able to come out and use the pool with my kids too, but, these kids are not acting appropriately in the pool area. They are more than horsing around and it's very unsafe. You are sitting here saying that you are watching them while your kids are in the pool. Well, you need to step up and stop them from acting like this then! I brought up the night before too. The kids were all like, you weren't out here with her. I was like, I don't have to be! My roommate, who is also very much an adult, was out here with her. So, their response was that she should have told them to settle down. No, that isn't correct. She is not resonsible for them. She wasn't comfortable confronting them all, so they got out. I told them, I'm sorry, it's not like these are just stupid rules. These are laws, and you guys are breaking them if you not have a responsible person, over the age of 18. If you are 14, then it's not a problem. These girls start saying, but I am 14. I was like, great, but she's not, and he's not and they aren't. And, just because you're 14 that doesn't mean that you can be responsible for her, who's only 12.

So, anyway, now, everyone in the complex is talking about me and how horrible I am for telling these kids that they need to get out of the pool, BUT, they all agree that their parents need to be watching them. So, whatever. They can all think what they like. Like I told the 12 year old today. I don't care what your feelings are towards me. I make my kids follow the rules, I expect other parents to do that as well.

I also informed the kids that if I had wanted to the night before I could have called the cops because of Sammi being basically forced underwater and being kicked and that they all would have been held responsible for actions. Because the are old enough to be held accountable. And they need to remember that! I don't want to look out one day and see the kid floating in the pool with blood all around and all the other kids running as fast as they can because they aren't supposed to be there in the first place!

I'm just tired of people that don't take care of their kids, or have any idea what they are doing. I'm tired of the kids that think that they can do whatever they want, and they talk HORRIBLY to adults. I'm tired of dealing with a lot of stuff right now, and I wish I could just punch something..... maybe someone. But I know it wouldn't help! UGH

What's in my cupboard's Today: "Chicken Pot Pie"

2009-02-23T16:02:00.000-08:00

So, today I was browsing the web, looking at Bisquick recipes for dinner and I saw the easy chicken pot pie. I decided that I wanted to make one for myself, but I didn't want to make a huge one, and I didn't know what I had, in terms of food. I wanted something quick and simple. So, I went looking in my cupboard. I knew that I had a can of chicken (like tuna, but canned chicken). I had some cream of whatever soups (I found a mushroom, celery and chicken) and then I had potatoes. I looked in my freezer and found sweet corn. I don't really like veggies, so that was good. I would have liked some celery but I didn't have any. I have a bunch of Bisquick to, so I was able to make a top crust. I went ahead and used a small pan. I started heating the oven as I put the canned chicken on the bottom of the pan. I peeled a potato and cut it into chunks and sprinkled it on top, followed by enough corn to make me happy. Then I took the can of chicken soup, and only used about 1/2 of the can, and I mixed just enough milk in to make it creamy. I poured it on top of the mixture in the pan. That was followed by a cup of Bisquick mixed with about a 1/2 cup of milk, and an egg. 30 minutes later I cut open my wonderfully smelling chicken pie. The potatoes were soft, the corn was sweet. The only thing I would have done differently is used a thinner soup base, and put more fluid in.

Sammi got home from school and immediately asked for some. She ate it and ate all. She even ate the potatoes!

Good to be 18 again!

2009-02-20T14:07:00.000-08:00

It's not what you're thinking. I haven't gone crazy. I'm not talking about my age. I'm actually talking about my pants size. I know that not to many people would brag about being an 18, but I am excited. This time, 4 years ago, I wore a size 24 and I weighed 280-290. Today I am 215 pounds and in size 18 jeans. I weighed less after my pregnancy with Maxz then I did before my pregnancy with Chloe!

Hi everyone

2008-12-07T03:29:00.000-08:00

Well, it's 3:30 am, and I am again struck with insomnia. It seems like I am so tired right now, but I cannot sleep. Every time I drift off, a baby wakes and needs me. Last night Chloe slept really well, but lately she hasn't been sleeping much at all. And I think Maxz may be growing, again. I do have to say that I have been less depressed lately, and I really think it has a lot to do with this apartment and the fact that the sunlight actually comes in, and I have a deck I can go sit on and relax to the sound of the creek behind us. Now, if I could just figure out how to stay on top of the dishes all the time, things would be great.

School has been interesting for me lately. I have gotten all A's so far, but because I got an A- in one class, I do not have a 4.0 GPA, and I will not even pretend to understand how an A is not an A just because it was under 95%, give me a break! I am not enjoying my management classes at all, but I am glad to say I am in my last one, and it ends Jan 19, and then I get to start my math classes. I am really looking forward to that, and I wish that I had more than just 2 math classes. After that I'm busy learning about the laws of accounting, and everything that it entails. I am still shocked that I got a 100% on my final for my last class. I didn't even understand what I was supposed to be writing about! I guess I'm a little to good at BSing....

Between school and my kids, I seem to stay pretty busy. It doesn't help that I added babysitting into the mix, but, I do need the money. Between the Dr's appointments, WIC, Early Intervention, and Chloe's upcoming Speech therapy, we see more than enough Dr's! Speech therapy is every Tues and Thursday for 12 weeks! It is going to cost us a pretty penny, but, I know that it will help Sam and I learn to communicate with Chloe, and right now, that's all that matters.

Right now I am facing some challenges with Sammi that I am not sure how to handle. I am afraid if I do not get it under control now though, that teenage years are going to be unlivable for all of us in the house! How do you stop a child from talking back and having that whiny attitude in their voice? I try so hard to put a stop to it, and it just seems to make things worse.

I have had some really interesting and horrible things happen to me recently, but, in the end, I learned that my husband loves me and trusts me and that he's not going anywhere. So, my feelings are hurt, and I am left wondering if the people that hurt me were ever really my friends to begin with. The lies that have been told about me don't even make sense. It just shows that they didn't know me as well as I thought they did..... *sigh* I now find myself almost constantly questioning the friendships I have with some people. Sometimes someone will ask me how I'm doing and I feel like saying, why do you want to know.... really??? And to be completely honest, I have learned that nobody really cares how I am doing, or what's going on. They ask, but they don't really want to know the answer. Well, aside from a very small group of people. I'm really tired of not knowing who my real friends are. I'm tired of telling someone something, not knowing if they are going to go behind my back and talk about me. And to tell you the truth, I'm scared to death to give out my new cell phone number!

I don't know anymore, there's like, so much going on this last year, that so much doesn't make sense anymore. I spent the first half of the year so sick, that I just wanted to die. Then I had my last baby and have had a mourning period because of that. I know that sounds stupid, but just knowing that I will never be able to carry another child inside of me, it's hard. Yes, I have 3 kids already. I know that I can't afford another, and that my body probably wouldn't make it through another, but I always had my heart set on 4 kids. I just have to count my angel as my 4th. Sammi brings up Baby Z a lot. She just doesn't understand sometimes. She asks me if I wish I would have had Baby Z and not lost him or her. I tell her of course, that losing a baby was very hard, and that I wanted that baby very much, but then I wouldn't have had Chloe. She then asks me if I would miss Chloe if I would have had Baby Z. I tell her, well, of course I cannot think of my life without Chloe in it, but if I would have had Baby Z, Chloe never would have even been thought of. Sammi just doesn't understand that it would have been physically impossible for me to carry Baby Z to term and then have Chloe, and have it be Chloe. I should have been 6 months pregnant with Baby Z when I conceived Chloe. Try explaining that to a 9 year old! Then she went on to start asking about Maxz. I told her to be honest, I don't know if Maxz would be Maxz either. It's very possible I would have gotten pregnant at the same time as I did with Maxz, and that we'd still have her. I'm not sure! All I know is that I love the 3 girls I have now, and I cannot imagine my life without them. Oftentimes I wonder about the baby I lost. He or She would have been 2 this October, if I had carried to term. I often wonder if I would have had a preemie like Chloe had I carried. Would my water still have broke so early? If I didn't have a preemie, would Maxz's pregnancy be different? So many questions that will never be answered. Then I look back and different relationships that formed again while I was pregnant with Chloe, and then again when I was pregnant with Maxz. None of the friendships I made during this stressful time in my life worked. Even though one of them was reconnecting with someone that used to be a best friend, and a connection was made with someone that I will most likely have a connection to the rest of my life, but I realize that we were not meant to be as close as we got. Well, I thought we were close. With both people, I realize now that my idea of our friendship seemed to be based on either lies, or convenience for the other person. When they no longer needed me anymore, I was tossed off like a used condom. I seem to be used a lot, and I'm honestly really tired of it. I cannot be a sounding board for other people and their problems. I am to sensitive when it comes to things. I become to involved, and it takes a toll on the relationship I have with my husband. I'm tired of people pretending to care, or like, in the case of Sam's dad, just ignoring me. Both make me feel as equally unimportant.

At this point I think I'm mostly rambling, but I doubt anyone will read this far anyway! I should probably stop typing since it is now 4:02 am, and I have already nursed Maxz back to sleep (yes, while typing, I know, I'm a multitasking queen!) and I should try to get some sleep before it's time to get up and start our day tomorrow.

Goodnight to those that read this.... or good morning, however you want to look at it.

Things I am thankful for (I know it’s late, give me a break!)

2008-11-30T21:47:00.000-08:00

So, I keep thinking about doing this, and then Thanksgiving came and went and I was still unable to find the time to come online to write this. So, as I am waiting to be able to access my class online (it's not loading *sigh*) I decided now is as good of time as any. So, here goes.
1. I am thankful that I have a husband that truly stands by my side, no matter what is going on in our lives. He trusts me, and I trust him. Things may not be perfect between us, but it works.
2. I am thankful that Chloe is advancing well and that so far everything looks great from a medical perspective.
3. I am thankful that I was able to carry Maxz until 34 weeks and that she only had to be in the NICU for 1 week. I am also thankful that she appears to be advanced for her age at the moment.
4. I am thankful that my depression seems to be less and less each day.
5. I am thankful that we were able to get into this apartment.
6. I am thankful that I have friends that I can trust.
7. I am thankful that I have 3 very healthy girls that I wouldn't trade in for the world.8. I am thankful that I am able to stay home with my kids and watch them grow and care for them. We may be tight on money, but it just brings us closer together in the end.
9. I am thankful that my dad seems to be having more good days than bad right now.
10. I am thankful for the friends and family that have stuck by my side through my pregnancies and illness. Without them, I don't know how I could have made it.

Today I'm 28 years old!

2008-09-29T12:49:00.000-07:00

It was a Monday the day I was born 28 years ago. I guess Mondays must be my day. This morning started out rough. Chloe woke up at 6:30 instead of sleeping in until 9:30. Maxz decided to wake up as well. But, she talked to me for awhile. It was very cute. You can watch some here....

Then, my mom dropped of Aj and Zachary around 8:45. So I had the 4 of them until she just came and got the boys at 12:30. She dropped off $20 in quarters for me because I have a lot of laundry that needs done before I move. She left a little bit ago, both my girls are asleep, and Sammi is at school. I have a few quiet minutes so I decided to come on here and talk about me!

I found out today that I passed my first class with a 95%! I am very happy. I was not happy with my final draft of my paper that I turned in, but I got a 97% on it. So, it all worked out. My team even got an A, so I am very happy about that. If we would have received a B, I would have received an A-!

I am not enjoying my management class so far, but that is also ok. I have never really looked into how management works, so I am learning. I am just having a very hard time being motivated. I have a second class in management right after this one, so I am hoping it gets easier.

I can't believe I'm 28. I feel so old sometimes, but 28 really isn't old. Not when you look at the fact that my grandparents are still living. Well, all but 1 of them. I'm not even half way if I live at least as long as them. I think that the fact I have a 9, almost 10 year old, makes me feel older. She's almost out of elmentary school! She only has 5 years until high school! I can't be old enough to have a 4th grader!

Anyway, I have to go feed a very hungry baby who just woke up from her nap now. My break is over.....

My $50 meltdown....

2008-09-28T23:31:00.001-07:00

So, it was last Tuesday that this happened, I keep forgetting to write about this. But, I feel that it was an important lesson....

So, I asked Sam for some money so I could go to the store. I needed to get diapers for the baby. I took a $50 bill from his wallet and put it in my back pocket. I walked to the living room, got the kids ready, and checked to make sure I had the money. I reached in my pocket, grabbed the bill, unfolded, refolded it, and placed it in my front pocket. I generally take my money out like this a few times before ever even leaving. I got the kids ready, and head out the door. At the front door, I lock up, and I feel the bill to make sure it's still there. I get to the car, get everyone in and we head up to check the mail. I get out, check the mail and get back in. Then, off to Wal-Mart we go. I get to Wal-Mart. I get the kids out and reach into my pocket to check for the bill and it's gone! I look around the car, inside and out, and I cannot find it. I look in the diaper bag and I check all my pockets. I try to call Sam and he doesn't answer. I call my mom. She's was going to check to see if she had money she could transfer me in case I couldn't find it. I get ahold of Sam finally and he went to check. I still can't find the money in the car, and I don't have time to go home and look and get back before the store closes.

Sam can't find the money either, but my mom had transferred money into the account I share with her. I go into the store, get the diapers and a few other things, and then leave to head home. I stop at the mailbox on my way, no money there. Sam had checked there to, but I was just making sure. I pull into my parking spot. I didn't see anything around the area as I pulled in, and there were people all over the place outside. I open my car door, feeling a bit sick to my stomach, hoping I will find the money inside. I look to the left and about a foot away from my car there's something on the ground. I can't really tell what it is. I get out of the car and pick it up. It's my $50. I swear it wasn't there when I pulled up.

I had said more than a few prayers about that $50. We don't just have money to lose right now! I did not see that money when I first pulled up. I feel like God put it down for me after I opened the door. It was his way of telling me to let him handle things.

I sure am trying to do just that. I am so stressed out about having to move. Hopefully we will get good news regarding the apartment.

Still so very stressed

2008-09-23T14:22:00.000-07:00

So, I'm pretty stressed out right now. I think that this has honestly been the worst month of my life. Between the whole DHS issue at the beginning of the month, and then being told we have to move. Well, we are still looking for somewhere to go. It seems like everything has a waiting list.

I did find something today though that I am hoping will work. In order for us to move though, we do have to have a roommate. Luckily we have someone that will work with. So, hopefully we will soon be in a 3 bedroom 2 bathroom apartment off of Lake Road. We'd only be moving a few miles from where we live now, but, we would pay the same as we currently do. Our roommates share of 1/3 (for 1 room) makes that feasible.

Then, we can get on the voucher list, instead of just Section 8, and hopefully get help sooner than the year wait we still have.

I have one of my classes now under my belt. I'm not very happy with my final draft, it was short about 60 words, but I am hoping that will be close enough to get full credit. I worked really hard on it! I am having a hard time putting the kids down to get work done. It seems like if I don't have the baby, I have a toddler. Chloe takes full advantage of anytime the baby is asleep or not in my arms. Sometimes she doesn't seem to care that I am holding the baby and she will just get in my lap too.

My birthday is next Monday (the 29th) and I'm really not looking forward to it. To be honest, I haven't had a very happy birthday for a long time. It's hard to celebrate your life to when you are really depressed. I'm hoping that I can pull out of this depression soon. I really feel like it's slowly killing me. Some days I am so unmotivated that I don't even move off my couch, except for to get Chloe milk or food, or get a diaper when one of the kids need changed.

It doesn't help that I am still throwing up and I have been having bad migraines. My friend keeps telling me to go to a dr. That's so much easier said than done. I would love to go to the dr, but I don't see how I can go. I don't have they money for the co-pays, or medications. And, on top of that, I'm at home all day with 3 kids and no car! Well 2 kids while Sammi's at school. And my dr is all the way out in Sandy... so it's not like it's just a short drive.

I won't even go into my depression here. It's so much more than that to be honest. I don't think that the word depression can even begin to describe my feelings.... or should I say lack of feelings, I am having lately. I know that I need to get onto a different medication, but I don't know if there are many bipolar medications I can take while breastfeeding. And breastfeeding is way to important to me and Maxz for me to stop just for a medication.

I wish I could just snap out of this and be a normal person.... I feel like such a burden on others..... *sigh*

Wow, what a busy time I'm having

2008-09-18T12:11:00.000-07:00

So, these last few months have been interesting. When Maxz was born 3 months ago, I had no idea my world would change so much. Chloe was not happy about her baby sister being born, but she seems to be ok with her, as long as she's not crying. Sammi is ok with it, but she's convinced the baby doesn't like her. All I can say is WOW, do I have my hands full. All my kids want me at the same time, and they want me all of the time. I have a hard time finding anytime for myself anymore. I don't know what I was thinking when I applied to go back to school, but I did it. I am now a full time student as well. I am currently in the 5th and last week of my 1st class. So far, so good. I'm just hoping I can keep this up. I am trying for my Bachelors in Science in Business and Accounting. I am then hoping that I can get my CPA license and start working from home.

I am also currently babysitting. I have been watching my mom's neighbors boys occasionally. AJ will be 4 this Feb and his brother Zach is about a month younger than Maxz. They were due only 3 days apart though, so it is like having twins. It is hard holding a little boy in my arms and calling him Zach, but it's not his fault. I honestly think it may be a bit of a healing process for me in the long run. I am still sure that the baby I lost was a boy. But, I will never really know for sure.

I am currently under a lot of stress regarding our upcoming move. I'm still not sure where we are going to go or how we are going to be able to do it. I would really like to stay in the Clackamas school district since Chloe has just started her early intervention. I would also like to stay at Sammi's school if at all possible. She is already having such a good year, and she does not adjust well to change. It's going to be hard enough when we move. She's already complaining about not wanting to move out of our apartment. But, she knows that it's really to small, and I'd like to be somewhere with a play area for the kids. Or at least a grassy area they can play in.

I am also having really severe blood sugar issues lately. My numbers keep reading as HIGH which means that my sugar level is above 600 mg/dl, which is not good at all. I swear, I feel like my body is going to break in half. I think it's due to all the stress, and I did have an infection on my leg where I cut myself really bad with the razor a few weeks ago. The infection is gone now. I honestly don't know how I am even healing with my increased blood sugars though.

With Stress and High Blood sugars comes depression. I have to admit, I am really depressed. There are days where I don't even want to go on anymore. I love my kids so much, and I don't want them to see me so sick. I don't want them to have to care for me, when I should be the one caring for them. Lately I feel like I have just become more of a burden than anything else. Either physically, emotionally, or financially. I'm not in the best place for any of those areas.

I am hoping to figure some things out in my life very quickly.... Like, having a place to live would be fabulous. I'm also working on trying to find a way to get my laundry all done and sorted so I can have a sale. I have a lot of work left on my plate, and I'm trying my best to get it all done. I wish I had more hands and more time. I guess every mom wishes for that, right?